1416) Creative Visualisation: The Abyss October 27, 2012
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09:29, Saturday, 27th October 2012 AD
1416) Creative Visualisation: The Abyss
I’m on the surface of a white sphere, with bright white light everywhere, a situation that I hate, and there is a crack in the earth, a chasm, an abyss, and I’m at the edge looking down into the blackness, and just one step and I will fall, and there would be no coming back. But I’d rather gaze down into the blackness than look at anything out here on the surface. I’m caught between light and dark, intent at looking at the dark, hating the light, refusing to look at the light, but hesitating to abandon the light in favour of the dark, with no hope of return. But nevertheless, looking into the darkness is comforting, familiar, soothing, brings contentment. So this is where I will stay, at the edge of darkness, looking into the blackness, and feeling content to do nothing else.
1415) Published: Dream: A Hollywood Movie about Manhattan October 25, 2012
Posted by pete1844 in Dreams.add a comment 04:42, Thursday, 25th October 2012 AD 1415) Dream: a Hollywood Movie about Manhattan I dreamt some years ago that I was in a cinema watching a wide-screen film about New York. The view was of Manhattan from the air, high up just to the south of Battery Park. Triumphal music played as I gazed at the celestial crystal skyscrapers, silver, white, gleaming, translucent in the sunshine, architecture like nothing on Earth. Then amidst the skyscrapers, I spied a train, painted in red and white stripes, snaking its way out of Manhattan towards the North East. THAT was the end of the dream.
1414) Published: Dream: Wilmette, Evanston, Chicago, America. October 25, 2012
Posted by pete1844 in Dreams.add a comment 04:31, Thursday, 25th October 2012 AD 1414) Dream: Wilmette, Evanston, Chicago, America. Some years ago I dreamt I was visiting the Baha’i House of Worship or Mashriqul Adhkar or Dawning Place of the Mention of God in Wilmette, Evanston, Chicago, America. I was wondering around the concrete base of the Temple, finished in 1953, which was a leveled surface of rough concrete. I noticed within the concrete, sparkling in the frosty cold spring air and low declination sunshine, tiny shards of different coloured glass, red, white and blue. And as I noticed the sparkling colours I felt an irrepressible, ecstatic feeling of exaltant joy.
1413) Two nights in June September 10, 2012
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Monday, 10th September 2012 AD
It was 2010, dubbed by Arthur C Clarke’s film of the same name, The Year We Make Contact. I was in the depths of an “episode” and not yet hospitalized. Through a now long forgotten chain of logic, I was hiding in the bathroom, all night. I jammed the sliding door shut with a piece of wood, made myself as comfortable as possible sitting on an upright wooden chair, turned off the light, and tried to be as silent and as still as possible, keeping the sound of my breathing as low as possible. At around half past two, or maybe three in the morning, I heard a noise. There had been no other noises for hours, my part of the housing estate having been utterly silent. This new sound was mechanical and reminded me of the Martian tripods in “War of the Worlds” starring Tom Cruise. Another, closer sound occurred, as if the bins were being examined and processed, but by machine, not dustbin men. In case some probe was scanning my room, and looking for access to other rooms, I kept deathly silent, hardly daring to breathe. After maybe 5 minutes, both noises diminished and all was silent again as if the machine concluded there were no more humans in this block to process, and it was time to move on to another area, to get more “work” in before dawn. I had evaded whatever the “aliens” had in store for me, until the whole thing happened again the following night, and I evaded them again. When I discussed this with a friend on FB, he suggested the sound was from “combine harvesters”. Until now, I’d never thought of the possibility of “alien” combine harvesters, reaping human souls.
1412) Altered State September 4, 2012
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Tuesday 4th September 2012
I quick synopsis of recent years:- April 2009 came of NHS drugs experienced some RLS, tried to treat it with a small amount of Abilify (failed), and Iron Nitrate (succeeded somewhat) experienced excellent health for about 18 months June 2012 suddenly became quite ill my response to episode 5:11 of Dr Who was quite hypo-manic my appetite for healthy food suddenly disappeared and I craved something sweet I felt that suddenly my environment had become toxic, requiring a ridiculous amount of protection I noticed a green star in the North East just before dawn resulted in 6th hospitalization Christmas 2011 tried to help a friend using megavitamin therapy she wouldn’t commit to it after a fortnight of looking after her I went home for Christmas I noticed that I’d become hypo-manic whilst looking after her went home (to Hereford) without any Abilify I felt a physically toxic environment upstairs so left a day early over the next 3 days I was hypo-manic or manic hospitalized for the 7th time I kept my doctor informed, but reduced my meds (Quetiapine) to 75 mgs daily increased it to 300 or 400 whilst visiting Mum during her last days at Brockhampton nursing home in September and October 2011 and while keeping my sister company while she organized the funeral stayed with my sister in Germany over Christmas and the New Year, great to be out of the UK In March, started to experience a toxic environment again spending a lot of time on the phone to the crisis team to discuss protection from the environment sectioned in early April, since my living in my flat was fast becoming impossible my 8th hospitalization taking up April and May 2012 19:55, 4/9/12 I remember in late March or early April 2012, seeing Daniel Craig being interviewed in London after the completion of filming for “Skyfall”, his latest Bond movie. During his interview, he said, “after I died”, and said it with complete nonchalance. So I thought, what had happened to London in March that he should have died, and how many others “died”, and if they did, why are they alive now? Was London destroyed by a WMD and retrometabolized by the Mysterons afterwards? 20:06 The features of the physically toxic environment, very similar to that of June 2010, were as follows, as far as I can recollect at present. There was an intermittent feeling that some external factor was making me feel as if my brain was being fried, making rational thought impossible. Through trial and error, I tried various different ways to shield myself. I found that being in the bathroom, where there is no window, helped. There was also the ceramic tiles of the shower on my south side in there. I also found that keeping bright sunlight, sodium street-lighting out, and keeping electrical lighting to short bursts helped. I also found that layers of plastic helped, i.e. a roll of linolium and plastic macs. Another toxic effect was to feel that the floor was contaminated, and that to avoid my feet feeling unbearable, I had to get them up off ground level by at least 2 feet (no pun intended). I surmised that my carpet was infested by insects, from a hole in the wall, where spiders could get in. When I found a huge amount of spiders’ webs behind a diagonally placed bookcase, I did my best to sweep them away, and have since been sweeping away any webs outside near the hole. After pouring some bleach and hot water into the flower-bed under the hole in the wall, there was a sudden reduction in the feeling that my carpet was infested, and that problem has not yet re-materialized. To protect my brain, I also found “a la Arnie in Total Recall” that a wet towel wrapped around my skull also helped greatly. I recently discovered “directed energy weapons” or DEW. It seemed clear to me that the NHS is using something like this after the following event happened. In the recent 8th hospitalization, I went to bed one night, and the feeling of being “irradiated” started soon afterwards. It reached a crescendo at 01:00 in the morning and suddenly stopped, and in the meantime, I had tried to shield myself, utilizing my acrylic duvet, plastic mac, and feet up off the floor. Almost immediately I heard the ward door open after its distinctive Big Ben chime, someone enter, and ask the night staff, “Has he responded to the treatment yet?” When I later got a nurse to check my story on another occasion, she admitted that she could hear the sound which went with this radiation, a low hum, and that it was heard in my room, NOT the adjoining corridor. She also agreed that it was coming from outside my room. She suggested a “boiler room”, with electronic equipment attached, and a cyan light seen through the boiler room window. On another occasion, during a fire drill, I went outside into the grounds near the ward, and sat on a bench. I heard the sound of raindrops so put on my plastic mac. I continued to “hear raindrops falling” though there was sometimes metallic about the sound, and there were no clouds which seemed likely to be the culprit. I tried to localize where the sound of raindrops was coming from. Behind me, a room which was part of the ward, but on the end of a side corridor, seemed to be where the raindrops falling sound was coming from. The sounds were definitely coming from various parts of the roof, and there was NO RAIN. At that moment, I turned around, and saw Dr Quested looking at me, with a clipboard, on which he was scribbling notes. Do I trust the NHS to be telling me the whole truth? Do I hell!1411) Facebook gives way to WordPress? September 2, 2012
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Sunday, 2nd September, 2012 AD
Recently it became obvious that Facebook was not allowing me to share Wikileaks posts, so I copied and pasted. Today, there were just a handful of new posts since last night, instead of a stream of posts taking 45 minutes to plough through. So, since Facebook is for the time being at least no longer offering me freedom of speech, I’ll abandon it for today, and see if it has been restored tomorrow.
1410) July 10, 2012
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02:04, Tuesday, 10th July 2012 AD.
Due to the sedative effect of the 150 mgs twice daily of Quetiapine/Seroquel I have been sleeping during the day quite a lot since my last post, and to be fair, as tonight, also due to staying awake long after I should have gone to bed, quite often. As a result my activity during the day, out and about has included regular grocery shopping, the occasional visit of a Wednesday to the Kidlington MIND club at the Kaleidoscope Centre behind Exeter Hall, and several Baha’i meetings but little else. More specifically, I had a visit from 3 dear Baha’i friends from Oxford, and after seeing my school-painted acrylic city-scape inspired by the map of Norwich, especially its ring-road, my friends after asking if it was mine, also liked my Manhattan city-scape acrylic painting. After that, I took them through the rest of my school art, and although there was plenty done at hospital in the Day Centre, it was not of such interest as my school art. After the school art, there was no time left, and it was time for them to go. It was great to get a visit from them, and I feel the rifts and estrangements that have beset my feelings for and relationship with the Community over the past 6 years are beginning tio be a thing of the past. Which is nice! I also attended a deepening repeating the material of a similar deepening a few weeks ago on the attitude of ‘Abdu’l-Baha in relating the Faith to Christianity for Christians, based on a meeting in France between Him and a French priest. After a few weeks of thinking about what constituted this dialogue, there was more discussion and comment this time about the topic, and a lively and interesting chat resulted, exploring more than had been at the previous meeting. The atmosphere was genial and agreeable and greatly welcome. Last Friday I did NOT want to get up and attend an interview with my Care-Cordinator. I eventually dragged myself up kicking and screaming inwardly and promptly suffered a puncture, hardly out of the centre of Kidlington. I made the rest of the way by bus and eventually had the interview, together with a student. Jac got me to summarise the Baha’i Faith for the student, and after I had explained the basics, Jac mentioned the new Ridley Scott sci-pfi “Prometheus”, which set me off with quite a spirit of enthusiasm. Then, before the time was used up, Jac prompted me to take of “issues”, specifically my dad, whose basic character I tried to describe. Jac then prompted some information about his jobs, and we finished off on a more positive note on a a memory I have of being about 10, having flu, way back before we moved from Well Meadow Road to Granville Street, and I was stuck in bed in my upper bunk bed, in my, or our with brother David, small bedroom. Dad took the trouble of borrowing a rentable black and white TV just for me to be able to watch in my room from my sick bed, a documentary about James Bond, probably up to and about “Thunderball”, I should think. This to me is an example of Dad being kind, loving and in tune with me. And on that positive note, it was time to go, until the next interview with my NHS psychological professionals. Despite the negativity and puncture earlier in the day, it turned out fine in the end. Next day, Steve kindly helped me get my puncture fixed via a trip to Summertwon Cycles , now that Kidlington’s G R Cycles is no longer in business, and an agreeable chat on the way to Oxford. I chatted to a couple of JWs in Cornmarket Street indirectly about the Faith on the way home, whilst Steve attended Court in his capacity as a JP. I splashed out on a £19 tyre rather than £12 for extra protection against punctures, though Summertown did not recommend “slime tubes”. Then, the only event to report was todays two comemorations of the 162nd anniversary of the Martyrdom of the Bab, in Jericho and Woodstock, the first of which Shadeh had rung me earlier to ask me to choose the readings, one of which, from Shoghi Effendi’s “Dispensation of Baha’u'llah” which Mahsa recited, gave interesting concepts which showed the Bab’s manifestation in the crucial role it plays in the historic unfolding of the Earth’s religious history, putting everything into the perspective of the history of mankind from about 6000 BC to 500,000 AD. In between the two meetings, I met an old Baha’i friend in town whilst shopping whom I hadn’t seen for some time and we had a marvellous chat before swapping new mobile numbers. The meeting in Woodstock was nice as well, seeing the usual old crowd as usual, but in the usual genial, friendly atmosphere, even though there’s not much to discuss, amidst enjoying and luxuriating in the warm fellowship of a loving harmonious Baha’i Community. And after getting home this evening, and watching “Wallander” and “The Comet’s Tale” on BBC iplayer, I updated Skype, installed my newly re-found microphone, and with the web-cam, Skype is now again fully operational, which is nice! And at 02:40, it’s high time I got to bed, so good night! And sweet dreams.
1409) June 24, 2012
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Sunday, 24th June 2012 AD
1st day today of the 6th Baha’i month, Rahmat or mercy, so 19 Day Feasts in Oxford City and North Oxfordshire were due. Started the day “correctly” and reaching the Oxford Feast on time. It was based on a Children’s Class. Afterwards, I cycled back to Kidlington Sainsbury’s and home for lunch before going to sleep. With a quarter of an hour to spare, I woke up again to cycle to Begbroke for a North Oxfordshire Unity Feast (there are no Local Spiritual Assemblies in North Oxfordshire) where we had a lovely Feast, discussed the centenary of ‘Abdu’l-Baha’s visit to Oxford in 1912, and then had a wonderful heart to heart, western and Persian discussion about some spiritual and mystical aspects of the Faith, and broke up to go home in a wonderful spirit of Baha’i love, fellowship and unity. Then, after a spot of BBC documentary watching on BBC iplayer, its time to go to bed and time to read myself to sleep with “Forces of Our Time” by House of Justice member Hooper Dunbar.
1408) June 23, 2012
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Saturday, 23rd June 2012 AD
Yesterday, spent some time, trying to liberate from the drainpipe in front of my flat my two discarded bikes, Magna Carter and Steinbeck-Steincheck but found a working key to liberate only the former, which still has some attachments attached to it that I cannot yet detach. I have a key that fits Steinchecks’s lock but it won’t work; perhaps the D lock is rusted solid inside. I also unplugged all the electrical appliances that need fixing, a TV, two VCRs, two DVD’s and a CD and cassette tape player. Also prepared some stuff for the tip, which will create space in my flat, and did some vacuuming. It was a satisfying day, even though the lift to the electrical repairer’s did not materialise through my getting the date wrong; its for today, 23rd, not yesterday, 22nd. The rest of yesterday was unevenyful, though I had when I awoke in the morning felt convicted of sin, and in need of the Gospel, though seemingly resistant and reluctant to turn to His light. THAT resistance needs examining, analysing and neutralising, and as yet I feel I understand little of it. If, as I remember, the only happy memories of my childhood have nothing to do with real people, and as yet I can only remember good memories of such things as sunbeams, snowflakes and the night sky, then something is definitely amiss. Perhaps if my coping mechanism was to block out reality, real people, my real relationship with the world in favour of Gerry Anderson’s fibre-glass puppets, and my first acceptance or interest and inspiration concerning the Gospel is through the Hollywood epics, then its my coping mechanism in which I am hiding, like a dingy small prison cell, and freedom from that in the real world is like having the key to the cell, but not wanting to use it, since that would entail painfully dazzling light, a freedom of choice that would be bewildering, and a real world outside my cell that would be utterly frightening. All conjecture and speculation, albeit consistent and rational. Maybe through sustained and consistent application of the Baha’i Writings, and the immense tolerance and kindness off elements of the Baha’i Community, I will succeed in eventually enjoying God’s good grace and surmounting the legacy of my coping mechanism, to the amazement of all around me except those Baha’is who understand the Faith.
1407) June 21, 2012
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Thursday, 21st June 2012 AD
I slept virtually all day yesterday, 20th June, possibly due to Quetiapine, possibly due to walking the previous day all the way from Jericho Synagogue to Manzil Way Central Mosque in the Interfaith Friendship Walk. This morning I’m off to a better start, which is nice. It seems to me that the most powerful way to resist the cultural, spiritual, emotional, psychological, psychic assimilation of the organs of what passes for government in the west, is to chant 95 times the Baha’i invocation, “Allah’u'Abha!” and I have been doing so for several years according to a tune used by the Baha’i music group, Gyanyame. The same tune was also used before by a group, I think called Islington. This chanting, which takes not more than about 5 minutes, counting using fingers and thumbs, seems to me to “reset” the soul, and to cancel and neutralise the worst aspects of how my brain and mind are conditioned by society and the media, by “the world” in general. Being tempted or manipulated into “forgetting” is a big part of all this, and it reminds me that the House of Justice reminds us in last year’s Ridvan Message of 2011, that we should remember “that there are interests which manipulate the course of events.” Well, I intend to do my best, not to forget anything, and intend to continue chanting “Allah’u'Abha” 95 times daily to help in that. I feel as if this daily chant, strengthens me, makes me independent of all created things, restores my humanity daily and maintains a high level of mental health. Later I go to my Thursday Ward Round. I missed it by being late last week, so that it was rearranged to Monday. Together with the Ward Round, are an additional interview with a female Dr Moore at 13:00, and at 14:30 a Tribunal Hearing concerning my Section 3 and accompanying CTO (Community Treatment Order). Its not so much these that I am appealing against, but rather the assumptions that my “illness” is as is traditionally assumed according to orthodox psychiatric philosophy, and my asserttion that I ought to be given the right and the opportunity to explore the possibilities of my “illness” being very different, namely a spiritual state, albeit disturbed and problematic, which is indicative of unhelpful and unhealthy factors in my environment. Speculation as to what these factors are, especially in the absence of any accepted orthodox evidence makes the whole situation more difficult however, and my ability top be listened to with respect, all the more unlikely. I have found that ceratin doctors, mostly male, such as Drs Geddes, Rule, O’Leary and Merson HAVE started to listen to me over time, sometimes despite apparently being leaned on, whereas Drs Norman-Knott and Pandit have not. I have also found that amongst the GPs, the difference of whether being listened to or not, has not fallen into this pattern. Dr Nina Cartwright and Dr Suzanne Stewart DID listen, whereas many male GPs did not. Maybe all generalisations just like analogies break down when you get into too much detail.
