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1397) Published: Status Update: Normality Restored February 26, 2011

Posted by pete1844 in Status Updates.
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Jalal, 1st Ayyam-i-Ha, 167 BE
The Glory and Splendour of the Days of Sprit
Saturday, 26th February, 2011 AD
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1397) Normality Restored
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After a mammoth twelve hours sleep, I got up to cycle home from the psyche ward, and spent a relaxed afternoon, after buying new brake blocks and a new bell, and then groceries, just catching up with the washing up, cooking dinner, with John Barry playing in the background. The world hasn’t changed from before the 5th January, apart from the pro-democracy movement taking north Africa by storm, and the perceptions of strange events and phenomena that I experienced last June and this January are back under the carpet, held at bay by a rational mind strengthened by the drug from the pharmaceutical industry called Quetiapine and marketed as Seroquel. Now life can resume with a degree of normality that I thought I would never welcome, but now do so. There is an Ayyam-i-Ha music concert starting tonight at 20:30, though in my heart, nothing will touch me unless she is there, and my rational mind tells me that she will not (be there). And so my unrequited passion for her weighs me down, or if not down, then sideways, to a world, on the same level as all my peers, but removed to a reality which they do not understand, know of or recognise. Such is life.
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The Ayyam-i-Ha concert was great. Whilst sad that she was not there, the connections made with other Baha’is were lovely, as were a few interactions with some of the non-Baha’is there. I feel a new vitality as a Baha’i, which reinforces my love for her.
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‘Idal, 1st Ala, 167 BE
The Justice and Splendour of Loftiness
Wednesday, 2nd March, 2011 AD
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Since the concert on Saturday, I feel that things are changing, though very subtly. With reference to discipline, though my ability to do homework, such as for the Chinese Mandarin Beginners course is still very poor, my ordinary daily time managment skills seem to be improving, with a stable sleep pattern established thanks in great measure to the Quetiapine, and following on from that a daily spiritual exercising, of reciting (and chanting or singing) 95 times, “Allah’u’Abha”, and the Obligatory prayers, plus reading from The Writings morn and eve, which is having a powerful effect on me. Not least of this spiritually edifying change is a greater degree of detachnment, resignation and radiant acquiesence, concerning romance. I would imagine that, if known about, this is a beginning of taking pressure off her. Conversations with friends, with a mutual friend standing nearby, possibly overhearing, plus her own “man in Mexico”, quizzing me on my status, makes me suspect, ever the paranoid, that she is “listening in” vicariously through the reoprts of others. But despite this deluded wilfulness, the ball is firmly in her court, and no action will be taken my me, unless she makes a next move, first.
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On the mundane level, I learned more of redemption through the Gospel on Sunday at St Aldate’s and Monday at st Ebbe’s, wrote “poems” about global redemption and having a more hardnosed and detached view of romance, accessed a marvellous service form Netgear having spent £60 on a warranty in December for 6 months which covers not only the Modem Router, but also the Dell laptop itself AND all the software. As a result 32 infections were expunged, superfluous security software from Norton and McAfee were uninstalled, AVG security was updated, Java was updated as well, and a general start at house-keeping was effected. Hopefully this Dell 6400 laptop will, after being purchased in 2007, continue to do its stuff until its earliest sell-by date in 2012, 5 years later. Now today, I’ve resumed ITQ at EMBS, and enjoyed a very effective revision of the Powerpoint I covered before Christmas. I’ve recently ordered, via Amazon UK, “V for Vendetta”, “Best of Bowie”, “Diamiond Dogs”, “Left Behind”, and have plenty more on my wish list.
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Istiqlal, 3rd ‘Ala’, 167 BE
The Independence and of Loftiness
Friday, 4th March, 2011 AD
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This week has been a week that was, quite remarkable. At the ward round yesterday, I was virtually discharged, though having fasted all day on the first day of the Fast, I quite remarkably unsurprised or unexcited by this, and took in my stride, as if it was no big deal. Such is the detachment that the Baha’i Fast engenders in any soul. The discharge is not official yet, though it seems to me likely that it will be declared next Tuesday at the next ward round, having enjoyed 5 nights in my flat. Today, I’d arranged for an electrician to fix the half dozen or so electrical faults, and he has, as we speak, gone to Cowley to pick up the spare parts. Two bigger jobs that I could have had done are the cooker and extractor fan, but I perhaps felt that heating and lighting is paramount, whereas the cooker is fine with one electric hob and no oven, at least for my needs now, and the extractor fan in the bathroom can wait anoither day too. Maybe I could mention these two jobs to him before he leaves, with a view to a second job.
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I feel strangely detached from my romantic attachments, not that my intention has changes, but that I feel immeasurably more relaxed and radiantly acquiescent about the outcome. At the ward round, I brought up the question of pioneering east, and they were very clear that needing 300 mgs of Q/S would not be a problem with that. They were concerned however that my motivation should not be her, and I tried to reassure them that my ultimate motivation is not her, but to serve the Divine Plan, as it was in Februray 2007, before a mutual friend, seemed to put a spanner in the works, by suggesting to me, “Is there something you haven’t told me?” Actually there wasn’t, but it seemed to be others’ perceptions that my motivation was to be with her, not to serve the House. Other perceptions can be out, just like mine.
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Computer-wise, my ordinary user Pete Rose continues to have problems, so I have started using the Admin user as the primary part of the laptop to work with, entailing transfering a lot of material from the former to the latter. The freshness and speed of the new Admin user is way ahead of my previous user, which is nice. I’ve been working with Bowie, the Best of, in the background, which will become Diamond Dogs, Matt Monro, You from St Aldate’s, Nelly and finally Black Sabbath, being the most recent CD purchases.
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Electrical work having been finished in time, I intend to attend Muslim MECO salat al’jumu’ah (Friday prayers) in Summertown, and then breaking the Baha’i Fast with the Baha’is around sunset in Oxford. I have 35 minutes to pack and cycle 15 minutes to Summertown. Looks like I need to rip “Aliens” to my Admin library, to speed up. Couldn’t find the Aliens CD, so had to do with instead, the studio album of Pink Floyd’s “Ummagumma”; not 3 bad! But I’d found my “shades” with only 6 minutes to go; not enough, so I’ll stay in until 16:45, when it’ll be time to set off the breaking of the Fast. Change of time to kick-off, so I’ll be leaving at 17:15.
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Just arrived home from the breaking of the Fast, which included as well as a sumptuous feast of food, amidst Dawn Prayer No 7 from the US 2002 edition prayer book, which is ideal for the occasion, a game of charades, and a Fellowship of Baha’i love which seemed to me as I sped home with the wind on my Raleigh Pioneer 140 Easyride, a love which is out of this world; I feel so grateful to have such beautiful Baha’i friends.

1396) Status Update: A Change of Heart Concerning Medicine February 21, 2011

Posted by pete1844 in Status Updates.
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Kamal, 15th Mulk, 167 BE
The Perfection and Questions of Dominion
Monday, 21st February, 2011 AD
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1396) Status Update, A Change of Heart Concerning Medicine
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About the previous posts:- Tush, tush, getting a bit hot under the collar, Pete? Been getting things out of proportion? Perhaps, probably. After being hospitalised for the 7th time diue to psychological factors, regular alanzapine, aripiprazol and now quetiapine (Seroquel), those symptoms of bad brain-functioning of emotional over-reaction, catastrophizsing the events of the world around me, the psychic perceptions of parallel univereses, time travel, of visual and auditory hallucinations, perceptions of the next world in this, hypersensitivity to factors in the environment, and a hypersensitivity to other people, are all put on the back burner, if not swept under the carpet, and normalcy resumed, which is nice.
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After being taking in for assessment on the evening of 5th January, nearly 2 months later, and, due to anti-psychotic medication, I’m feeling much more mediocre, mundane, banal, bland, and therefore fit in wioth society much better than before. Leave from the psyche ward has been increased so that I can go home every day from 10:00 to 18:00 and 21:30 on a Monday due to my Chinese class. Life is becoming sweet again, and stable, serene, placid, tranquil. Vitamins are still important, but no longer without backup from the psychotropic drugs from the pharmaceutical industry, which doesn’t seem quite so evil anymore. Am I missing the point, or getting it at last? Time will tell.
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Fidal, 16th Mulk, 167 BE
The Grace and Honour of Dominion
Tuesday, 22nd February, 2011 AD
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Today has been characterised by depression, rancour, hate and envy, a dull resentment of the pathetic nature of my life compared with the joys, privileges and successes that have been granted to so many of my friends who I perceive to look down on me with disdainful contempt, and a supercilious superiority. Followed by a grim, greitted teeth determination to follow my father’s interminable advice, “don’t let the bastards grind you down”. So I am being restored to Restore and ITQ, which will take up 4 days each week, heading for a better office job than the one I had of rnearlyt 30 years, extra income, and if I’m not too late, a chance to make by life work and function appropriately, before either western civilization or I collapse in old age and ruin.
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‘Idal, 17th Mulk, 167 BE
The Justice and Sovereignty of Dominion
Wednesday, 23rd February, 2011 AD
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I’ve been on another of those emotional roller-coaster days so far today, starting off despondent and tearful and ending up unreasonably and unconscionably optimistic and upbeat, as if she will or might at any moment jump out from behind a corner and give me a long, passionate kiss, and suddenly my life would be a manifestation of that Belinda Carlisle song, “Heaven is a place on Earth”. Practical jobs achieved today include getting in touch with HMRC and am now awaiting a new password and paper tax return to fill in including pages for self-employment.
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Istiqlal, 19th Mulk, 167 BE
The Independence and Loftiness of Dominion
Friday, 25th February 2011 AD
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As sure as little apples, the optimism of Wednesday has evaporated, as usual, due to passage of time. There is too little factual evidence upon which to decide to be optimistic or pessimistic, so the outlook changes with the vagaries of emotion, based on no rhyme or reason,  whatsoever. Today, a farewell gathering for the old cpontract at Restore, ready for a new contract with changes from the past, is followed, before a Baha’i discussion on “The the soul have a gender?” with being here at home on my own, with nothing for company but John Barry’;s wistful mourneful music, such as that for “Body Heat” starring William Hurt and Kathleen Turner, full of doubt, foreboding, anf an inability to regard even those closest to you as trustworthy, honest, sincere and thruithful. Such is life. Even she to whom my heart feels inseparably wedded, admitted herself that when with me she is dishonest. In that situation IO have noone to trust, and my distrust of Him, Baha’u’;llah, Who seems to have doled out in the 35 years I have “followed” Him, nothing but failure, heartache and misery, has never been deeper. Why should I believe the remaining 20 years of my life should be any less disheartening? Why should I believe things will get better? What is the evidence? Especially when the only thing that would affect my misery is if she were to walk back into my life, and there is no rational reason to believe that will ever happen. I want her and nothing else, and what I want is not going to happen, according to any rational analysis and logoical reasoning. I love her, and her alone, and she is gone forever, isn’t she?